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I am very much alone right now. Tim has been sick, and not himself. I'm stressed right to the brink, and no, I don't want to go and talk to someone, I don't want that anxiety too. It's hard for me to talk to new people. Most people simply don't get that, not even Tim. I just don't know what to do anymore. It feels like everyone has all but abandoned me. I spend my days online when I'm not at school because I have no reason to go out, no one to meet up with, even Tim doesn't feel well enough to go out anywhere. People are rarely even online, so I'm alone even then. I have no one to really talk to. I should be able to talk to Tim but I don't want to burden him with me. My apartment is an utter mess because I simply can't keep up, and I have no help. I'm barely keeping up in school now, I'm managing, but only through sheer force of will. I'm tired all the time, and I cry easily. I feel like I'm being left out in the cold, everyone is paying attention to someone or something else besides me. It usually doesn't bother me, but it's been an increasing trend. The last thing anyone asks me is how I'm doing, or anything about me. I have to listen to them unload before I can get a word in edgewise. I HAVE A LIFE TOO.

I was excited about school, now it doesn't seem to matter since I probably won't be able to do anything with it. Considering where we're going to be moving. I'm not even allowed to work temporarily in my field before we move, nope got to get back there as soon as possible. I don't even know if I'll be able to travel, the only thing Tim says when I mention it is how are we going to afford it. I don't know that, I really don't, but I'd like it if people didn't step on things that I've wanted to do my whole life like they're nothing important. God even the name of our future child, if we happen to have a boy, is decided, but I'm not allowed to pick a name on my own for girls. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Really, why do I let myself get walked on by everyone?! WHY? My whole life is decided for me it seems and I'm just following the flow.

It seems like I'm the one holding things up, keeping people from where they want to be. Like it's my fault for everything. The suggestion that we should have gone back to Terrace for a bit to save money enrages me, brings me to violent tears, even the thought of it. I know with absolute certainty that I wouldn't have come back here. It just wouldn't have happened, people get too comfortable in Terrace, complacent, they let themselves find that "good" job, buy that house. and where would we have lived? I can justify it all I want, I can say it's a good place to raise kids, and maybe it is, but the fact of the matter is that it's a dying town. Unless there is a real upswing, which I sincerely doubt, it's going downhill. I keep getting told that I can work remotely, by people who don't necessarily understand the business I'm going into. I hope I can work remotely. Hell I'd take a job if it ment flying out once a week to the city (provided travel costs were provided). I JUST DON'T KNOW! I just want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world forever. It's notlike anyone would really miss me for awhile.