It seems sometimes that all of the forces in the universe are conspiring to make going to school as hard as possible for me. First the court thing with my dad, now my fuck-ups on projects. and me being in a course that I completely don't understand, anything to do with HTML or any type of coding is like math to me, I just don't get it, it doesn't help that my instructor sucks. I kept asking Tim for help, but he never seemed to want to make the time, and when time came for me to hand in my assignments in web I couldn't even get him to help make sure the coding made sense, and he said I should have asked earlier when I've been asking for weeks.

I'm just freaking out, it's the final week of this quarter and I'm desperately hoping that I can get my assignments handed in, I can't afford to fail anything, literally my school is expensive, and I'm on student loans and my mom's paying for it, I can't afford to fail.

There's a dagger hanging over my head, I can feel it. I'm crumpling under the weight. My mom keeps saying that she'll make sure I finish school, but she doesn't understand the situation we are in, despite her help, without Tim working we could end up not being able to pay our rent in a couple months, we're lucky in that we have enough until Feb. Though it may be less time than that. Car payments, Tim's student loans, the credit card we end up having to use to get through a month, it adds up. I can't even afford to go get new pants, and this isn't a "oh I'd like some new clothes" thing it's a "there are huge holes in inappropriate places in two of the four pairs of pants I own". I don't want to put anyone into debt, least of all my mom. I don't want Tim to feel like he has to go back to work when he's still sick, but that's the situation we're in. I can't give up on school now, my mom won't let me, and it would be a slap in the face to her and all the work she's put in fighting for this. I just don't know what's going to happen, I really don't. Not once in the entire time I've been in school has it felt secure, there has always been this knowledge that I might not finish, that it would be a waste of time. There's only one person to blame for it, and we all know who that is. I hope someone does something to make him realize what an utterly dispicable human being he's been, how he only has her side of the family now. Even his own family doesn't talk to him anymore, what does that say?

I'd like to own a house one day, have a wedding, have kids, and really, things aren't looking good in that direction. If Tim ends up not being able to work, well, I don't know what will happen, sure I'll be able to work, but one income isn't enough nowadays. *sigh* We'll have to find out what the future brings, most days I can't even bring myself to think about it, it hurts too much.

...

I am very much alone right now. Tim has been sick, and not himself. I'm stressed right to the brink, and no, I don't want to go and talk to someone, I don't want that anxiety too. It's hard for me to talk to new people. Most people simply don't get that, not even Tim. I just don't know what to do anymore. It feels like everyone has all but abandoned me. I spend my days online when I'm not at school because I have no reason to go out, no one to meet up with, even Tim doesn't feel well enough to go out anywhere. People are rarely even online, so I'm alone even then. I have no one to really talk to. I should be able to talk to Tim but I don't want to burden him with me. My apartment is an utter mess because I simply can't keep up, and I have no help. I'm barely keeping up in school now, I'm managing, but only through sheer force of will. I'm tired all the time, and I cry easily. I feel like I'm being left out in the cold, everyone is paying attention to someone or something else besides me. It usually doesn't bother me, but it's been an increasing trend. The last thing anyone asks me is how I'm doing, or anything about me. I have to listen to them unload before I can get a word in edgewise. I HAVE A LIFE TOO.

I was excited about school, now it doesn't seem to matter since I probably won't be able to do anything with it. Considering where we're going to be moving. I'm not even allowed to work temporarily in my field before we move, nope got to get back there as soon as possible. I don't even know if I'll be able to travel, the only thing Tim says when I mention it is how are we going to afford it. I don't know that, I really don't, but I'd like it if people didn't step on things that I've wanted to do my whole life like they're nothing important. God even the name of our future child, if we happen to have a boy, is decided, but I'm not allowed to pick a name on my own for girls. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Really, why do I let myself get walked on by everyone?! WHY? My whole life is decided for me it seems and I'm just following the flow.

It seems like I'm the one holding things up, keeping people from where they want to be. Like it's my fault for everything. The suggestion that we should have gone back to Terrace for a bit to save money enrages me, brings me to violent tears, even the thought of it. I know with absolute certainty that I wouldn't have come back here. It just wouldn't have happened, people get too comfortable in Terrace, complacent, they let themselves find that "good" job, buy that house. and where would we have lived? I can justify it all I want, I can say it's a good place to raise kids, and maybe it is, but the fact of the matter is that it's a dying town. Unless there is a real upswing, which I sincerely doubt, it's going downhill. I keep getting told that I can work remotely, by people who don't necessarily understand the business I'm going into. I hope I can work remotely. Hell I'd take a job if it ment flying out once a week to the city (provided travel costs were provided). I JUST DON'T KNOW! I just want to curl up into a ball and hide from the world forever. It's notlike anyone would really miss me for awhile.

Brioche!

I made Brioche today! It turned out great! Omnomnom!

Bend

Lock the door
Throw away the key
Don't lose faith
As we sink to our knees
This coming tide is strong
But we can bend
Like trees in the wind
Let it push us around

We all need
To feel weak to be strong
Humble ourselves
At the mercy of life
We've never had
Another choice
Joy needs pain
Pain needs joy
One without the other
Is empty, cold
We are not alone
Here together
Once bracing the other
Against the storm.

No EO

So blog post #1 about a finished task.

Didn't take EO for a full work week and I desperately wanted to! Go me! It's harder than you would think not leaving work early when you have the oppourtunity. I can't guarantee every other week will be the same (actually this was the first time in awhile that I had more than 2 days in a row scheduled, so yay! I had 5 days, but one I was sick, which doesn't count as EO since I couldn't help it, so I worked 4 days in a row full shifts!)

101 in 1001 Days

Start Date: January 1st, 2009
End Date : September 29th, 2011

Things to Learn: 6
Learn to play the guitar
Learn French Fluently
Learn another language
Learn about starting a business
Learn Sign Language
Learn to change a tire and basic car maintenance

Arts /Crafts/writing: 10
Draw at least one picture a month using no references
Script out my comic book idea
Draw characters for my comic book
Submit my writing to some publishers
Paint at least one picture a month
Draw pictures of 5 friends/family members (0/5)
Paint a mural
Write and post 3 book reviews (0/3)
Make a colouring book and post it online
Participate in National Novel Writing Month


Spiritual: 6
Do Senut at least once a week for a month
Pray Daily for at least 3 months
Get my RPD done
Set up an Akhu Shrine
Set up a Senut Shrine
Make Natron

Things to Own: 13
Get a really great pair of jeans
Get an entirely New Wardrobe
Collect all my favorite TV series on DVD
Buy a house
Buy a pair of Christian Louboutin heels
Buy a really great pair of boots
Buy a Stand up mixer
Buy myself a fabulous piece of jewelry.
Get a new cell phone
Buy one thing from each of these websites:
Pinupgirlclothing.com
Trashy.com
Infectiousthreads.com
Hottopic.com
Sassyassyjeans.com
Get a really good quality set of pots and pans (not a mish-mashed mess of them, heavy stainless steel all the way!)
Buy 2 albums (CD or Itunes)(0/2)
Acquire something exceptionally beautiful and completely useless.


Things I want to do:18
Cook a fancy dinner for a bunch of people
Get a Totally different hair cut
Dye my hair, possibly blond streaks.
Go to and finish Art school
Get Published
Visit Kassi
Ride in a hot-air balloon
Post to one of my blogs every day for a month
Try Geocaching
Create a list of 101 things that make me happy
Get my drivers license
Get a passport
Make a cookbook/recipe cards of my favorite recipes
Organize my ITunes music
Try to use fondant on a cake
Take the train somewhere
Make Brioche
Go Camping again

Work/Finances: 7
Start my own business
Record all money spent for at least 3 months
Save all "odd" amounts in my bank account until march for moving expenses
Don't take EO for a full work week
Save $1 a day for 1001 days
Sell a piece of artwork or a print
Grocery Shop with a list for at least one month

Changing habits/ Health: 15
Drink only water for one month
Eat fruit or veggies instead of junk food every day for a month
Go for a 30min walk 3 times a week for a month
Eat only home-prepared food for one month
Lose 10% of my starting weight on January 01 (21 LBS)
Write down everything I eat each day for four months (0/4)
Eat five things that I’ve never tried before (0/5)
Do three things that ’scare’ me, or push me out of my comfort level (0/3)
Go a month without any fast food
Try out a fitness class
Try a Dance Class
Stay off the internet for 24 hours straight once a week for a month
Sell or give away 101 material items (0/101)
Create 5 day meal plans for 3 months in a row (0/3)
Drive to the extent that I'm doing half the driving.

Watch/Read/listen:15
Watch all of Marilyn Monroe's movies
Read all of Charles Bukowski's writing
Watch all of George A Romero's Movies
Subscribe to a magazine
Read 50 books (0/50)
Read at 5 books from my Amazon Wish List. (0/5)
Spend a day with a good book (or a couple good books)
See a film in IMAX
Watch the movies on Ebert’s 102 movies you must see before you die list (0/102) (http://rogerebert.suntimes.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20060420/EDITOR/60419010)
Discover 5 new music artists I like (0/5)
See a Broadway/professional musical (i.e. not a school play)
Create a playlist of my top 100 songs
Do the 999 Challenge (9 categories, 9 books, 2009) (see my list for this)
Read a book in French
Own a whole TV series on DVD

Social:10
Write Letters to 3 friends and send them (0/3)
Get a "just because" gift for 3 friends (0/3)
Make a New friend
Put away $1 for 1001 days then donate it to a worthy charity
Pay for the person behind me in line 2x (0/2)
Donate $5 to Charity for every uncompleted task after 1001 days.
Give all handmade gifts for Christmas or birthdays one year
Rather than a material gift, make a donation to charity in someone’s name.
Send a secret into Post Secret
Go clubbing with friends

Post a blog about each task completed